THE THINGS WE DO IN PUBLIC

At the traffic lights on Speedway and Main last week, I saw something I had never seen before. A woman in the car on my left was flossing. She appeared to be totally immersed in what she was doing as she inspected the inside of her mouth in the rear view mirror. I was transfixed by this somewhat gross spectacle. I really could not believe what I was seeing. I mean, would blood not spatter over the interior of her car?

A few days later, a German friend of mine e-mailed me to say that he was in the Spanish island of Majorca and had just witnessed something horrible. As I read this, my instant reaction was: Oh God, has he just seen a car accident or a shooting? But no, would you believe it? He had been having dinner and an Englishman at the next table, who my friend described as mainstream middle class, had been flossing his teeth in the middle of a packed restaurant.

And finally, the third part of the flossing trilogy happened in Macy’s in San Francisco. I saw a guy flossing on the move, as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

Have I missed something or is it now considered acceptable, even fashionable, to floss in public? Are the flossers part of some new underground movement which believes that society is too restrictive and should not inhibit individuals who wish to attend to their personal hygiene in full public view? Whatever next? Changing socks? Spraying deodorant under our arms? Plucking nasal hair with tweezers?

No doubt there will be those who say ‘So what? People already use tooth picks in public, so what’s the difference? And many of us spit on the ground, pick our nose, clip our nails and fart in public. So it’s no big deal.’ Do they have a point? Well, I suppose, to a certain extent, they do. Yes, there are the nose pickers, nail clippers, gobbers and farters who have no shame whatsoever and either enjoy flouting societal conventions or are indifferent to them. Are we inured to these habits because they are commonplace? Or do we still see them as gross, anti-social acts? Guess it depends on your point of view.

For example, do I tarnish all public nose-pickers, gobbers and nail clippers with the same brush? No I do not. Why? Because, as with everything, there are ways of doing things. Picking one’s nose can be done in an out and out fashion in which the bogie is battled with for minutes on end or in a less obtrusive fashion. It is always unpleasant to behold but, arguably, only the former is truly repulsive. Likewise, if you see a person turn away from others and spit onto a patch of grass would you not consider it more acceptable than someone who spits on the sidewalk as he passes you?

There is something about flossing which places it in the out and out camp, which I would describe as people who are oblivious to their impact on others and act 100% as though they are in the privacy of their own home. Could there ever be a more refined way of flossing? How about lifting your little finger, in a genteel way, as posh tea drinkers do?

A friend of mine told me to mind my own business and look straight ahead at traffic lights. Er, I do not think so mate. I am intrigued as to what I will clap eyes on next in the car alongside mine. A spot of toe nail clipping or body hair removal might be fun.